isolation

Have you ever felt like your own internal struggles would poison others if you shared with them what was really going on deep inside you? I definitely feel like that.

Other believers keep saying, God wants to do great things, He has great plans for you, etc. I apologize, friends, but I'm skeptical. Define your terms. What do you mean by great? Tell that to the child who watched her parents killed, and then was killed herself. Tell that to the victim of sexual abuse who lived tormented her whole life, and never found peace until she went to be with Jesus. I see no guarantee of a "great life" for everyone here on the earth.

So just can the "God has great plans for you" stuff. If I'm going to turn everything over to God, it's going to have to be with no strings attached. No matter what I lose in this life. No matter if I am hated by the people I would like to be accepted by. No matter if I never see the victory over the addiction. No matter if my children, suffering from the generational influence, develop addictions of their own and have lifelong struggles in their own relationships. Isn't it possible that those things could happen? God does not stop suffering.

But it feels like people want me to be optimistic, as if God is going to fix all my problems. I just don't believe that is true. I long to serve with my gifts in the body. But I just don't believe that God promises that that will happen for me. So I have isolated this, and not shared it with others.

No, it has to be something deeper. Could God want me just for the relationship we could have? Even if I never get all the other stuff figured out?

addiction

I am hoping to break free from a certain addiction and I am really wanting to go back to it today. I guess I'm finding out a little what withdrawal is like. Not fun. It's very hard to think about anything else. Good thing I have the kids tonight, I have to pay attention to them. That serves as a little distraction, at least.

healing

What kind of healing can I hope for in this life? Some say God promises to heal completely. Others say He may not heal completely, He may have a different plan to use my woundedness for His purposes.

What is healing anyway? To heal is "to make or become healthy, sound, or whole." Whole means "being in healthy or sound condition, free from defect or damage; perfect." So we could say that experiencing healing is becoming free from defect or damage. I really don't believe that that is going to happen here on the earth.

But Jesus did say that He came to heal. So what is He talking about?

accountability

The idea of accountability is probably not one that most people are comfortable inviting into their lives. But I am benefiting from the accountability at Celebrate Recovery and am very thankful. I think one of the lies people believe is that accountability won't make any difference. But I really like it at CR, where every week we all, including the leaders, introduce ourselves and tell what we struggle with. And then people who know what you struggle with start asking how you're doing, and you know they want more of an answer than "fine". And you figure that since you came here to get help, you may as well start talking about it. And then later in the week you get tempted and you realize that if you give in to the temptation, there are several people who are going to find out before the week is over. And those people care whether you live in freedom! They are praying for you, maybe even calling you to see how you're doing. I can't speak highly enough of the benefits of loving accountability.

kids

My kids got up this morning and climbed into bed with me, so very confident that I love and accept them. And I do. But my eyes fill with tears because they naively believe that the world loves and accepts them as well. Should I tell them the truth at some point? That the world is mean and hostile, and never to trust anyone except God? No, that's just my own cynicism. What should I tell them? What can I tell them that is truly from my heart, when I don't even trust God myself?

My little son climbed up and lay on my chest, then covered us both with his blanket. Then he said something like, "Mom, you have four blankets on: your green one, your blue one, my heart, and my blanket." He "covered" me with his heart. Did he know the significance of that to me? I thanked him for being my "covers".

If as a child, I had known what rejection I would face in my life, if 10 years ago I had known what rejection I would face at the hands of people who claim to know God, I would not have wanted to live. Why does God allow people to do those kinds of things in His name?

If as a child, I did not receive the reassurance of love and acceptance from my parents, and that has something to do with my struggles in trusting that God is who He says He is, then what guarantee is there that my children will not struggle in the same way? Have I made enough changes to give them a different legacy than that of the Ugly Duckling?

recovery

We have this word, "recovery", was it first used by Alcoholics Anonymous or something? I'm familiar with it from another recovery group, Celebrate Recovery, which is a Bible-based group modeled after the AA 12 steps.

So what does "recovery" mean? We say, "I'm in recovery." So I guess it's a state of being or action? Dictionary says to recover means "to regain, to make up for, to reclaim". So recovery would be the act of regaining or reclaiming. "I'm in the act of reclaiming" who God created me to be, the me that was stolen by the thieves of neglect, misunderstanding, and condemnation.
I like that.

It's scary though. Very scary. It seems like that takes huge amounts of faith! To believe that there is a ME that is uniquely created, and that I can find that ME, that I can be that ME, that God LIKES that ME? I have a knot in my stomach just contemplating it.

The pain I feel is in part the pain of not being able to be that ME, but of wanting to be, but of being very afraid because of all the times I've tried and been shot down.

pain

Pain seems to be the theme these days. Failed relationships, yes. Regrets about the past, plenty. Friendships that might have been. Shattered dreams. But the pain goes deeper than that and I don't really know where it comes from. I just know that it has been there like an underground aquifer in my life. Sometimes it lies deep and still and no one would know it's there. Sometimes it rises up till it's just under the surface. And sometimes it surges up and overflows in tears that cannot be held back. But it is not a refreshing stream. It is caustic, leaving me raw and sensitive to everything. Oh, it feels better to relieve the pressure, don't get me wrong. But will there ever be an end to the pain?